He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
