Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize