so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
