You're a womanizer and a bitch.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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