if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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