Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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