I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
