how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
