just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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