Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
