she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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