I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
