Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
