So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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