Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
