Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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