my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
