Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
