i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
