I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
