Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did i walk over a car last night?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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