I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
