Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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