I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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