Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
