A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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