OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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