wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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