not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
