so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
