Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we made out on top of his cat.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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