and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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