since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
