I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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