I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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