I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
