If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
