I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just gift wrapped bread.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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