Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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