I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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