I puked a lego.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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