i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I would fuck him just for his dog
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
