i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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