but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
