I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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