WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
