i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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