you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
