Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
