Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
