Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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