So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
