hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
