11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
