Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
