everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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