Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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