Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
