listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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