I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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