Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize