just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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