I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
